Saying the Unsaid
Permission to put your thoughts and feelings into words. All of them.
These process groups are an experiment in transparency. Expect to be uncomfortable, to feel alive, and to surprise yourself.
Sign up for one of our Saying the Unsaid Process Groups. Invite your friends. Or enemies.
-1 hour and 15 minutes in length
-$100/week, paid in full at beginning of the month
-online
-2 leaders, and 4-10 participants
-continue as long as you are getting value; two-weeks notice to leave in order to give time to process with the group (for your growth and theirs)
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Vanessa Caruso
M.A.
Spiritual Director
(Click bottom right corner for sound)
Dr. Sarah Taylor
Psy.D.
Psychologist
(Click bottom right corner for sound)
Meet Our Group Leaders
Real Stories of Transformation
Coming Soon
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Pretend it's Opposite Day.
Flip it over, say the opposite, and try it on for size; sometimes we unconsciously flip things to something more tolerable and miss what we actually mean.
Say whatever comes to mind.
Resist the instinct to bite your tongue. Interrupting is permitted.
Listen to your body and verbalize what it's doing/saying.
Bodies never lie. If you say something appearing calm and collected, but your heart is racing, your heart is saying something your words might be trying to conceal. Say, “My heart is pounding” and let us wonder together what it's saying.
Make assumptions.
It’s not me, it’s you. Out in the world, we’re told not to make assumptions; in group, you can. You might be able to identify things the others haven't been able to know about themselves.
Interpret everything as potentially meaningful.
Experiment with the possibility that there are no coincidences. Your laptop runs out of charge mid-session: who are you trying to cut off? You’re late to session due to traffic: what feels jammed up in group? Who are you feeling road rage towards? If this were a dream, what would it be about?
Make the intrapsychic interpersonal.
Avoid words like “everyone” and “no one.” When we speak in generalities, it lands softer but lacks claws. Try to grab onto things, be specific, be personal. This experiment really only works if we make it personal within the group, even if it feels uncomfortable, or not 100% true. For example, don’t answer, “Who in the group do you feel closest to?” with “Everyone.” One, it’s not true; two, it’s boring; three, we can’t learn anything about what you’re drawn to and who is able to pull for that.
Keep the ball in the air.
Don’t wait for the perfect time to say something, just say it; keep it moving, even if it feels off-topic. If it’s on your mind, it’s on-topic.
Submit the first draft.
Go ahead and say your initial, unedited, unrevised version. You can change your mind later.
Tolerate the intolerable (or less tolerable).
Muscles grow more when the exercise is just beyond what’s comfortable. See if you can sit with the discomfort a little more than you’re used to: verbalize it, but don’t rush to un-do it.
Avoid generalities and be specific.
Statements like "I'm curious / perplexed / surprised" and "I'm interested / I wonder" are often used as protective barriers from how we really feel, a way to pretend we’re neutral when we’re (usually) not. You’re surprised? Like finding money in your pocket, or an unpaid parking ticket? Both could be “surprising.” Describe the feeling without the oven mitts.
Wonder who the person reminds you of.
Often when we have visceral reactions to people there is a transference of some sort—a projecting onto. Identify who group members remind you of in terms of how you feel about them; say it outloud.
Find out how people experience you.
And tell them how you feel about them - what draws you to them? What distances you?
Stay in the room.
Try to avoid talking about the details of your personal life; that’s for Sunday brunch or support groups. Try to stay in the room, in the here-and-now. Paradoxically, sometimes sharing about our personal lives (even the deep stuff!) can be a way to remain distant/separate. Less is More (pertaining to your home/outside life); More is More (pertaining to the here and now).
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Say whatever comes to mind.
Resist the instinct to bite your tongue. Interrupting is permitted.
Find out how people experience you.
And tell them how you feel about them - what draws you to them? What distances you?
Reduce self-deception.
Realize how much you don't say and admit it - to yourself at least, if not the group.
Reverse perfectionism.
The opposite of perfectionism is play and group thrives off of play.
Survive the intolerable.
Or less tolerable, at least. What's the worst thing someone could say to you or about you? What if ends up being Ok?
Trust your psyche.
Maybe you know a lot more than you think. Maybe you're a lot more dynamic than you think. Maybe you're more resilient than you think.
Get unstuck.
Bored at work? Blocked at home?Stuck in ways of relating? Get activated in group and then let that energy spill out into the rest of your life.
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Sarah Taylor, PsyD
Psychologist
Dr. Sarah Taylor is a licensed psychologist in private practice with nearly two decades of clinical experience. She served on both the board for the Philadelphia Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology and the board of the section for Couples and Family Therapy for the Society for Psychoanalysis and Psychoanalytic Psychology, Division 39 of the American Psychological Association. She presented the following two papers at psychoanalytic conferences: “Holy Shame: Re-Imagining a Sexual Self Against the Current of Religious Condemnation,” and “The Dread and Desire of Getting the ‘Mother’ out of the Room: A Clinical Encounter of Erotic Transference.” She provides individual therapy for people experiencing the impact of sexual, emotional and spiritual/religious trauma, PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, relational distress, alcoholism/addiction of a loved one, adaptive and maladaptive religious contexts, deconstruction, grief, disenfranchised grief, parenting challenges, divorce, suicidality, and the suicide of a loved one.
She enjoys writing miniature memoirs, learning to play the guitar, hosting large and small gatherings over food and conversation, and telling personal stories on stage at Moth Storyslams-- about sex, religion, voice, purity culture, somatic expressions of psychological distress, the problems of politeness, the power of telling the truth, and the possibilities of longing and hope.
Dr. Sarah Taylor is licensed by PSYPACT and in network with Aetna, most Blue Cross Blue Shield plans, and Medicare.
Vanessa Caruso, MA
Spiritual Director
Vanessa Caruso is a spiritual director and supervisor based in Vancouver Island, Canada. She received a Master's degree in Spiritual Formation and Leadership, spiritual direction training through CenterQuest, and an Advanced Certificate in Supervision from Fordham University. Vanessa provides individual spiritual direction and facilitates group supervision for clients in North America, Australia, the UK, Philippines, and Singapore. She is also the assistant to the director of CenterQuest, training spiritual directors throughout Asia, and the co-director of Together in the Mystery, a supervision training program. She co-hosts the podcast Three Association for spiritual directors and supervisors, leads creative, contemplative retreats for children, youth, and adults, and teaches spiritual direction and supervision for a variety of programs.
She loves color, oceans, thrift stores, cherry pie, checking out books from the library and having stacks of them all around the house, weekly phone calls with Sarah, monthly group gatherings with friends, and road trips to her hometown of Santa Barbara, California with her family.
Sarah & Vanessa: How they got here
Sarah and Vanessa met in seventh grade when they found one another eating lunch on the same grassy hill during Junior High School in southern California in 1993. They took turns giving speeches at their 8th grade graduation, with earnest messages of gratitude and inspiration. In 9th grade they played on the same Frosh-Soph Volleyball team with 16 other volleyball-impaired students who didn’t make the cut for JV or Varsity. At 16 they developed a summer camp for incoming 7th graders that they named “Study SuccESS with Sarah and VanESS,” and gathered groups of wide-eyed kids in Sarah’s open garage with half-baked ideas about studying, organization, and how to confidently navigate the new terrain of Junior High.
Since then, they have shared space in multiple groups, leading and not-leading in various contexts: some weird, some less-weird. They’ve lived in the same cities, and on the opposite sides of North America. They’ve traversed some of the varied experiences of being human: relocation, marriage, divorce, illness, health, parenting, co-parenting, disillusionment, rigidity, expansion, grief and play. Ten years ago Sarah observed a year-long process group with Dr. Craig Pearl; the task to say directly what is on your mind was as simple as it was revolutionary. Five years later she participated in a process group with Jacob Winkler, LCSW. Within minutes of the first meeting she was more activated than she had been in individual therapy in years; something about the group context facilitated the immediate illumination of intra/interpersonal dynamics—everything was on the surface, accessible and available to look at, explore, and do something new with. She participated in a few more group experiences, gushing about them to Vanessa on their weekly bi-coastal phone calls. Vanessa then signed up for one of Winkler’s groups and found herself more physically activated and awake than she had been in years, too; she was hooked. Since then, they’ve participated conjointly, recognizing their unique patterns of behavior/thought/fantasy/
imagination/dread/longing and their unique capacities for authenticity and play. And then one day it occurred to them: What if we lead a group together? Thirty years post-grassy-junior-high-hill, here they are.
The idea that they get to collaborate professionally at this point in their careers, pushing themselves (and possibly you!) to the edges of authentic relating, is so much fun it feels nearly too good to be true.
Listen to your body and verbalize what it's doing/saying.
Bodies never lie. If you say something appearing calm and collected, but your heart is racing, your heart is saying something your words might be trying to conceal. Say, “My heart is pounding” and let us wonder together what it's saying.
Pretend it's Opposite Day.
Flip it over, say the opposite, and try it on for size; sometimes we unconsciously flip things to something more tolerable and miss what we actually mean.
Make assumptions.
It’s not me, it’s you. Out in the world, we’re told not to make assumptions; in group, you can. You might be able to identify things the others haven't been able to know about themselves.
Interpret everything as potentially meaningful.
Experiment with the possibility that there are no coincidences. Your laptop runs out of charge mid-session: who are you trying to cut off? You’re late to session due to traffic: what feels jammed up in group? Who are you feeling road rage towards? If this were a dream, what would it be about?
Make the intrapsychic interpersonal.
Avoid words like “everyone” and “no one.” When we speak in generalities, it lands softer but lacks claws. Try to grab onto things, be specific, be personal. This experiment really only works if we make it personal within the group, even if it feels uncomfortable, or not 100% true. For example, don’t answer, “Who in the group do you feel closest to?” with “Everyone.” One, it’s not true; two, it’s boring; three, we can’t learn anything about what you’re drawn to and who is able to pull for that
Try saying, “There is a part of me that ___, and another part of me that ___”
Often we are of two-minds about things. On one hand I don’t want to offend you, on the other hand I find myself annoyed that _______. Experiment with saying both.
Test your hypotheses.
We often go through life collecting evidence for conclusions we’ve drawn about the way “people are,” and the “way I have to be.” Experiment with other variables and be open to being surprised. Or if your hypothesis was correct, tell the group!
Stay in the room.
Try to avoid talking about the details of your personal life; that’s for Sunday brunch or support groups. Try to stay in the room, in the here-and-now. Paradoxically, sometimes sharing about our personal lives (even the deep stuff!) can be a way to remain distant/separate. Less is More (pertaining to your home/outside life); More is More (pertaining to the here and now).
Keep the ball in the air.
Don’t wait for the perfect time to say something, just say it; keep it moving, even if it feels off-topic. If it’s on your mind, it’s on-topic.
"a social mirror"
"Initially I was nervous, then I started to open myself. I liked that the group was able to be a social mirror, showing me how others see me. It helped me to think about how I am with people and how I want to be in my relationships." - Group Participant
"redemptive honesty"
"This is a space that invites and encourages redemptive honesty beneath the layers of who we think we have to be. These are rare and precious spaces." - Ernest
"next thing you know, I'm out here crying & finding myself"
"Saying the Unsaid was an unexpected treat! I didn't expect to feel so many emotions and get so riled up with a bunch of random people on Zoom. I just thought it would be a fun experience to not have to filter myself, perhaps call a few people out on their bullshit, and crack a few crazy jokes. Next thing you know, I'm out here crying, finding myself, connecting with people who I'd never think twice to talk to in real life, and realizing that I'm not alone. Sarah & Vanessa totally knocked it out of the park with this idea and I would highly recommend this group for anyone who is down to learn." - Group Participant
"a social mirror"
"Initially I was nervous, then I started to open myself. I liked that the group was able to be a social mirror, showing me how others see me. It helped me to think about how I am with people and how I want to be in my relationships." - Group Participant
"redemptive honesty"
"This is a space that invites and encourages redemptive honesty beneath the layers of who we think we have to be. These are rare and precious spaces." - Ernest
"next thing you know, I'm out here crying & finding myself"
"Group was an unexpected treat!...I just thought it would be a fun experience to not have to filter myself, perhaps call a few people out on their bullshit, and crack a few crazy jokes. Next thing you know, I'm out here crying, finding myself, connecting with people who I'd never think twice to talk to in real life, and realizing that I'm not alone." - Group Participant
"things I would consider taboo or too dark...& embarrassing normally"
"I loved being a part of this group. I was surprised by the deep parts of my past that I ended up sharing, things I would consider taboo or too dark/embarrassing/shameful to share normally. And when others in group shared similar type things, I appreciated and valued them more, not less. I hope to use this experience in my life moving forward, to open my mind and heart to more honest sharing and deeper connection. <3" - Sarah
"challenged & embraced"
"I felt both challenged and embraced by Saying the Unsaid." - Alexandra
"things I would consider taboo, too dark & embarrassing normally"
"I loved being a part of this group. I was surprised by the deep parts of my past that I ended up sharing, things I would consider taboo or too dark/embarrassing/shameful to share normally. And when others in group shared similar type things, I appreciated and valued them more, not less. I hope to use this experience in my life moving forward, to open my mind and heart to more honest sharing and deeper connection. <3" - Sarah
Submit the first draft.
Go ahead and say your initial, unedited, unrevised version. You can change your mind later.
Tolerate the intolerable (or less tolerable).
Muscles grow more when the exercise is just beyond what’s comfortable. See if you can sit with the discomfort a little more than you’re used to: verbalize it, but don’t rush to un-do it.
- Group Participant
"sole purpose of showing up, speaking & being seen"
"An experience unlike anything I have participated in before. It was fascinating to meet a group of strangers with the sole purpose of showing up, speaking and being seen. I reflect on how to incorporate this dynamic into my everyday life" - Group Participant
"explore & expose my inner self"
"Saying the Unsaid challenged me to explore and expose my inner self, inviting me to show up more authentically to those around me.”- Group Participant
"frightening and cozy"
"Saying the Unsaid was warm, challenging, frightening, and cozy - all balanced together in the deft, but gentle hands of two gifted leaders." - Preston
"helped me feel into my core state"
"The Group helped unbind deep shame and fear in me. It helped me feel into my core state, a part of me that sees, knows, and values who I am and what I bring to the world." - Jeremiah
"challenged and embraced"
"I felt both challenged and embraced by Saying the Unsaid." - Alexandra
"sole purpose of showing up, speaking & being seen"
"An experience unlike anything I have participated in before. It was fascinating to meet a group of strangers with the sole purpose of showing up, speaking and being seen. I reflect on how to incorporate this dynamic into my everyday life" - Group Participant
Avoid generalities; be specific.
Statements like "I'm curious / perplexed / surprised" and "I'm interested / I wonder" are often used as protective barriers from how we really feel, a way to pretend we’re neutral when we’re (usually) not. You’re surprised? Like finding money in your pocket, or an unpaid parking ticket? Both could be “surprising.” Describe the feeling without the oven mitts.
Wonder who the person reminds you of.
Often when we have visceral reactions to people there is a transference of some sort—a projecting onto. Identify who group members remind you of in terms of how you feel about them; say it outloud.
Find out how people experience you.
And tell them how you experience them - what draws you to them? What distances you?
Stay in the room.
Try to avoid talking about the details of your personal life; that’s for Sunday brunch or support groups. Try to stay in the room, in the here-and-now. Paradoxically, sometimes sharing about our personal lives (even the deep stuff!) can be a way to remain distant/separate. Less is More (pertaining to your home/outside life); More is More (pertaining to the here and now).
"Initially I was nervous, then I started to open myself. I liked that the group was able to be a social mirror, showing me how others see me. It helped me to think about how I am with people and how I want to be in my relationships."
"I loved being a part of this group. I was surprised by the deep parts of my past that I ended up sharing, things I would consider taboo or too dark/embarrassing/shameful to share normally. And when others in group shared similar type things, I appreciated and valued them more, not less. I hope to use this experience in my life moving forward, to open my mind and heart to more honest sharing and deeper connection. <3"
- Sarah
"Saying the Unsaid was an unexpected treat! I didn't expect to feel so many emotions and get so riled up with a bunch of random people on Zoom. I just thought it would be a fun experience to not have to filter myself, perhaps call a few people out on their bullshit, and crack a few crazy jokes. Next thing you know, I'm out here crying, finding myself, connecting with people who I'd never think twice to talk to in real life, and realizing that I'm not alone. Sarah & Vanessa totally knocked it out of the park with this idea and I would highly recommend this group for anyone who is down to learn."
- Group Participant
"This is a space that invites and encourages redemptive honesty beneath the layers of who we think we have to be. These are rare and precious spaces."
- Ernest
I felt both challenged and embraced by Saying the Unsaid.
- Alexandra
An experience unlike anything I have participated in before. It was fascinating to meet a group of strangers
with the sole purpose of showing up, speaking and being seen. I reflect on how to incorporate this
dynamic into my everyday life.
- Group Participant
...
Real Stories of Transformation
- Group Participant
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